Written by Wr. Njeri Macharia
“I have simply survived.” This is always my response when people ask me how my year has been or how I get by without a job and am an adult or…yeah, trust me I can’t explain it either but I know am alive, survived just seems like the correct fit here.
It’s a struggle to come to terms with the person I become when am unwell and the person that is masked by my illness. It’s even harder to make those around me understand that sometimes I don’t even have control of my thought process. I have burned to ashes and had to sweep and pick those very ashes with the hope that I won’t lose too much in the process. Trust me I have also lost some pieces of me in the process of picking up the pieces. Imagine constantly losing a part of yourself but still hoping you can recreate yourself with what is left? And somehow you know you have to make it work. Constantly having to clean up your mess after an episode, yeah it’s shitty to say the least and exhausting. It would be just easier to give up but I have learnt to be enough and to accept myself if nobody will.
I have learnt not to use my illness as an excuse and to take responsibility for my actions, am certain am the person who has had to apologize the most for my actions especially this year. They say sorry is a sorry word but to me it’s always genuine. Am genuinely remorseful and real, “I am sorry for
my action. I was unwell when I did it and I really
thought I was doing the right/correct thing. If I can make it up to you; please let me know. Unfortunately, I’ll probably end up doing something just as insane in the future. That’s life as a Bipolar sometimes.” What I don’t do is apologize for being ill, at least not anymore.
I have survived throughout the year, I have had a lot of support, I have made new friends…mostly I did it through accepting myself and thus making people comfortable around me. Scrap all this shit, I didn’t survive…We all did.”
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