By Wr. Njeri Macharia
“Before you judge me, walk a mile in my shoes” they say. I say, before you judge me, live a day in my head. My head is the most dangerous place to be.
Life is a strange thing, isn’t it? As I sit here am
reminded of how this year started, in despair, tears,
hopelessness. Who am I kidding? I never thought I’d see this
day and yet it was the year I had planned so much for
myself, little did I know that life has a sense of
sarcasm…humor, maybe. Just when I think am done with
the hardest part it whispers “that was just foreplay
sugar”…okay, let’s dance.
You see brilliance, beauty, strength boiling on the surface
but I know how much I have wanted to die so many times.
Constantly sharing terrible stories that no one has the
stomach for. Every now and then I throw in a joke or two
but I have been brought to my knees and kicked while on
the ground and it all sneaks up on me every single night. I
get nightmares that I can’t explain but I know I wake up
shaken, crying or screaming, if am lucky enough to get out
of the dream by myself. Other times someone has to literally
shake me out of it.
Anyway God too has a sense of humor and as I sit here
having my hopes, dreams and pursuits turn futile am
reminded that I have slept hungry in the past but this tough (according to me)
year I have lacked no basic need. So God
was trying to say, “My daughter, you don’t survive on your
effort but by my grace.” Okay God, this is not funny at
all even though my first name is Grace.
Am in a very happy place right now. Needy? Very! But
needy with a smile on my face and ability to shake it off.
I choose to say am battling bipolar rather than I have bipolar. Do you know how tough it is to declare a war within yourself? Living in a body that wants to survive but with a brain that wants to die? It is what it is. A raging war. Different days, same monsters. There are days I have thought of the possibility of a brain transplant…insane, right? The brain is called the “black box” for a reason. It’s a mystery and a very complex organ. “Sorry Njeri, there is nothing like a brain transplant.” Am stuck with this one.
They say, “mind over matter” but bipolar cannot be fought with mind over matter because it is the mind that is the matter.
I have lost everything in this war and as if that is not enough, I have lost myself in the process. There are days I look in the mirror and I fail to recognize myself. I have become a stranger to myself. It’s hard to love myself when am conflicted within. But am learning to accept myself.
Am a strong woman and I know I will become more because I have nothing left.
I have nothing but God and maybe that’s all I need.
Talk to Njeri Macharia through:firstname.lastname@example.org