Will the world ever understand me?

By Wr. Njeri Macharia


…because one day you are fine and the next you are in a deep dark hole. “But you were okay yesterday”…they wonder. “What happened?” A question I find hard to answer. How do you explain that your brain is broken when they can’t see? Sometimes I try and the response I get is, “you look fine to me.” It’s like they expect you to grow an extra head just to prove that you are mentally ill. Come to think of it, I think it would somehow make it believable. The invincible illness. The hows, the whys and the whens I never seem to be able to answer. Even after years of exploring mentally illness and especially my own I still don’t have the answers.


You know a relapse is coming, you can feel the downward spiral but there is nothing much you can do. When darkness closes in, I do what I know best. I lock myself in the house and withdraw from society. They will never understand, I tell myself. Whenever someone tells me to snap out of it am tempted to break their legs and ask them to walk it off. If it wasn’t a struggle then it wouldn’t be an illness. I take a rainbow of pills just to keep my insides stable, a little bit of normalcy and  happiness. Most bipolar patients are non-compliant to medication.


Bipolars are highly associated with creativity. I hate taking medicine, I hate the medications. Am at my best performance when am not medicated especially when am not having an episode, yet untreated bipolar is a disaster waiting to happen. So should I allow myself to be medicated to mediocrity and risk an episode or should I religiously take my medicines and be average?

Either way it’s a vicious cycle. Sometimes even the medicines don’t work. There are external triggers too. I know mine but this is life and no matter how much I try to avoid them, in one way or another I end up bumping into one if am lucky and other times when it rains it pours.


Yes, some days I can conquer the world single handedly and others am drowning.

It hurts, it actually physically hurts. Just because it’s not bleeding it doesn’t mean that it’s not hurting.

For now, I fight.

My story is not over yet.





Njeri Macharia has a Bipolar disorder and she wishes to speak to you on this through the article. Contact her through: mashanje1@yahoo.com

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3 thoughts on “Will the world ever understand me?”

  1. Girl despite the challenges you face you still stands out strong you are inspiration not only to those with physical challenges but even to some of us with emotional,social and spiritual challenges………..keep on writing girl you are going far n beyond. ……

  2. Wow. Am blown away, you bring out the struggles you face in your writing and enthral the reader, your writing style is unique.

    Keep writing girl. You were born to write.

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